Mostly they arent great at invitations. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. Enjoying life and nothing else. Something like this happens every single time. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. Life is good and I'm happy. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. I compared to you older friends of mine I see ruining their relationships with their adult children through constant disrespect, but then being bewildered as to why things are going so badly. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. 3. Ive realized that people sometimes ask this question to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell you all about their exciting weekend plans. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. (And this is all, of course, assuming I dont want to go. Im self employed so I can realistically be working at any time and date. And I understand many of your points. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. The same old answers get boring, so you should try a little bit of humor at times because you might make someone laugh instead of feeling awkward. ! OH ME TOO. Not blond but like superwhite. Neighbor! I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans. - Casey Stengel It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. You on the other hand, will get off the phone feeling charged and energized.and get right back to doing nothing. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! ME: Great! Another interesting look at how varied cultural/regional norms and peoples own experiences can be. The one my family goes with is Surviving. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Which sometimes was fine but not always. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. So I think it makes sense to feel that threatening eviction / charging rent could be harmful. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. It always makes me a little uncomfortable, because Im not used to grocery store cashiers asking me how I am. You have attached a new question to an old thread. You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. What are you doing?, Unless Im doing something unusual, its true; its wonderfully vague and gives no information; and I get to immediately turn the question back on the asker (which often leads to a better conversation anyway.). To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. Read also. Maybe you can Google it. Most of what I get out of asking that conversation is sharing of day to day stuff about what we both have happening and are maybe looking forward to [that I can be happy or excited about for them] or things coming up they are anxious about or having other difficult feelings about [that they can talk about if they want to, or that I then know they might be having a difficult time on Tuesday so I should give them a ring then and see how it went/offer support if they want to process through talking]. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? Like, say you pretend to take up crochet, and designate working on my crochet projects/gifts as your backup plan, and so when people you know are assholes about this ask you have the backup plan. For a cashier: Great, how are you? just because they are probably required to ask as part of their job. Would it be possible for you in [date]. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) If I had a tail, I would wag it! I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. And take LWs at their word, maybe? Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Not least of which, I never felt obligated to pick up on any of his hints ever again. I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting. 14 "It was a riot! Me: Not much, maybe laundry or whatever. ooh. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. They say hey, and you reply with the same. Yes! If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? Making conversions . But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. Thats not an uncommon experience. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. Where I live, in Sweden, you can ask your family, friends, coworkers etc How are you? and the reply would typically be somewhere between Its good and Im a litte tired because the baby has a cold, but otherwise things are good, but never Kind of bad, my depression is making life really dark right now (at least not when used as a small-talk question). Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. Its not even really pushback. Oh, stop it, will you? I feel like my best friend and I do this back and forth a lot, but thats because we understand there are tiers to plans. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. Busy busy busy! I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. Riding an elephant. But then again, Im always the person who answers strangers who say Are you X person with Who wants to know?. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? Good luck! As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." Okay, there is something a bit screwy with this guy. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. Now shes supposed to go on a date with me if I ask for one!. The people asking the question are rude and betraying their bigotry. Trust issues and controlling family? If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Is everyone busy? You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. This suitable during the Halloween period. It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. I think lots of people, especially women, are socialized to think that confidence is impolite, so they try to sound unassertive. She looks so comfortable. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. 1. Setting that aside for the moment, its apparently *supposed* to go like this: Ive had trouble with that one, too. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? Must say I kinda love your kids response. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. Why do people ask? (Like the How are you? inquiries) have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). Oh, the usual, you? a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. Why is that worth it? Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. Nothing very interesting. They see how often constantly males can throw a tantrum about how theyre being bitches, where the males only complaint is, I asked her questions, and she refused to answer! That alone is enough for him to feel justified in escalating the threats, anger, violence. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. Its not lazy that I did X this week which meant I was in pain by Friday night. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) I like to respond with Doing nothing. Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. Take care of your boundaries! Is that the best you've got. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. Baking a cake. Are you doing anything this Thursday night? whyyyy do you need to know? It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. Where are you from is often followed by no, where are you REALLY from which seeks to establish that you are a foreigner. The. Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. Him: Doing anything else? I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. After answering you always ask the other person in return how they are, and they respond in kind. 3. Its the same here. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. Make up a lease and sign it. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off. And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. That sounds weird coming from you. Dont ask each of us the same question. Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Or something. Me: Nope. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. So the correct answer is, "I'm hanging out with you." Most of the time, that's the right answer. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you. You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. I decided we couldnt be friends anymore after one time I told her I couldnt babysit and she said, Your calendar says youre free. Kind of a random revelation after reading everyones advice and responses: I think this is up for me right now because Im new to the online dating world and, because of my past experience with my family, I am having a hard time telling if the question is of the innocuous kind (like when co-workers ask my plans for the weekend), a soft opening to trying to ask me out, or the kind of manipulation that Ive, for better or for worse, learned to be on alert for. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. Flip the question back on them. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. Me: Dunno, but probably not. But I think its disingenuous? Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. Now the only person allowed to see my personal calendar is my husband, who is completely uninterested. Me: Nope. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. Theres just no way, you see, that this is what a womans mind does, what she is for. So she says no. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. I have friends who grew up in Poland but have been UK citizens for decades at the tops of their highly-respected professions. My daughter is also struggling with brainweasels and getting a job. But if her idea is super cool or needs to be done on a certain date, Ill absolutely shelve my TV watching for another night! Every weekend! @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. Unhelpful? Yeah, my parents did that too. It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. Yay! parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. Is it OK to invite the usual people? My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. So I know what youre talking about. I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. I get the feeling Im not alone, I always thought my relationship with my parents was healthy until I became an adult and now I dread conversations with them. Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. Any fun plans? 1. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! What a mess. D- Dearest relaxing days. (Seriously? How should I respond? Tucker makes the case that there is a war against Christians happening in America on 'Tucker Carlson Tonight:' TUCKER CARLSON: You always imagine in your mind's eye that it's evil men who destroy . Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?" Overworked and underpaid. Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly! It sounds to me like an attempt to take away my ability to say no. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. Absolutely, this too. As a young black woman in the US, she of course had been steeped in spotting such people her whole life. Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. It can be a white lie! This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. And then both go on to other things. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. "Thank you, I appreciate that.". We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. In ways that I doubt he even always notices. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. Hmm, just tried re-creating my original comment and thats not showing up either. Hah. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? The person is saying something factually incorrect. I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. They know this. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. I think youre right in general, although I dont find items 2 and 3 problematic at all. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. Re #1, true that. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. If that's not a good enough answer for them, walk away, because there's nothing more you can say. And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. 7. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. No.. Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans.
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